By: FAFO Editorial Staff:Preferred Pronouns Told/You/So
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but in the case of Battle Creek’s own Kris Douponce a shirtless selfie is worth exactly one police report and a very confused Folgers executive
The digital drama kicked off when an image of a local man in uniform began circulating. Skeptics were quick to cry “fake news”—until an Investigative team at FAFO Justice, dropped the ultimate receipts: a raw, unfiltered, and very shirtless photo of the man in question.
Identifying the “Brew-tagonist”
While facial recognition software is great, the internet preferred a more “visceral” method of identification. By comparing the shirtless selfie to a grainy video of a man allegedly spicing up his ex’s morning coffee with “soap”, investigators (a.k.a. people on Facebook) noted some striking similarities.
Specifically, the “dad-bod” geometry and distinct torso features in the videos seen HERE & HERE matched the selfie with 100% accuracy. As one commenter elegantly put it: “It is definitely his fat belly.”
A New Meaning to “Strong Brew”
The allegations suggest that Kris wasn’t just looking for a caffeine kick, but perhaps a “cleaner” finish to his ex-partner’s morning routine. This has inspired a wave of “special edition” coffee labels including:
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Kris Douponce’s Killer Koffee: Now with 2x the soap!
Alleged Poison Blend: The best part of waking up… is not having Kris in your cup.
Toxic Secrets Brew: Guaranteed to bubble over.
Final Verdict: Be Scene in Jail
While the Battle Creek Police Department’s Chief Bagley runs cover for this guy, the court of public opinion has already delivered a spicy verdict. It turns out that if you’re going to allegedly tamper with beverages, you might want to wear a shirt—or at least avoid having a belly that is more recognizable than your own face.
Moral of the story: Keep your coffee black and your selfies private.